I like to write and am happy when I can compose a few words that express the thoughts I’m trying to convey in a clear, concise and engaging way. It’s not easy for me though. ( if you knew how many times I rewrote that first sentence you;’d be like “give it up, Martha”.) I struggle with finding the right words. My vocabulary never feels adequate, my thoughts are rather jumbled and I feel like I am cloudy in my meaning. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m trying to express. My grammar is not exact. I’m never sure if I’ve place the comma in the right place or if a semi-colon would be better. When I am pleased with what I write, I’ll often go back to it and wish I had done something differently.
What am I even trying to say here, right now, today?
During this blogging challenge I haven’t had to write new stuff everyday;(is this the right use of a semi-colon?) I’ve used Silent Saturdays to post only pictures, and a Psalm on Sundays to lessen the composing, I’ve pulled from the depths of my computer to post previously written poems or letters so I wouldn’t have to come up with original stuff. It hasn’t been a big stretch to blog everyday. But moving past this 31 day challenge I want to continue to write. I’m afraid though I”ll run out of things to say and get weary in the composing. And really what’s my point anyway? Something in me says why bother, why do you think you have anything to share? Some of what I’d like to write is just too personal for a blog that others might read. Some of it is too trite for anyone to be interested. And anyway hasn’t somebody somewhere already said what I said in a better more engaging, artistic way?
Another part of me though says yes go on it doesn’t matter who reads. This writing thing you’re doing isn’t about gaining an audience or ministering to others (though if it does minister all the better) or even improving your writing (though I hope that is a by product of the practice). Its about pouring out and trying to make sense, teasing through the jumble, finding a voice, my voice and maybe leaving a legacy. I don’t know.
I’d like to be a consistent blogger…and really call myself a writer. And these people say I should embrace that:
I have had people encourage me in my writing. Complimenting me. It’s nice to hear kind words about what you do.
Truly what I want is to be faithful, as a Christian, to be and do what God would have me do. Vocation, calling, gifting all these things I struggle with. I never had formal training or education in a particular field or career. I don’t have any particular expertise on any one topic, though I know a lot about many things. But what is God calling me to do and be outside of the normal everyday responsibilities of a stay at home wife and mother?
I hope by continuing to write I will find God’s pleasure, His encouragement. How will I know? I think it has something to do with knowing I can’t not do it. I heard that somewhere, when you find something you can’t not do that’s your calling.
For now I think that’s it for me, I can’t not do this. So whether or not I ever gain a following, or ever really feel like a “writer” I’ll continue to write in my jumbled, at times incoherent and not always engaging or artistic way. I’ll just write for myself, for God and for whoever else wants to listen.